Sometimes I really love washing dishes. There’s just a bunch of dirty, saucy, food-bit covered mess in your sink and you just scrub the life out of it and then you’re done. Check it off the list. I freakin’ conquered that dish mountain. And that is pretty much the only thing about my day that I can 100% master.
Because then my two year old REALLY needs a bath. And I’m pretty sure I’m not giving my 11 month-old as much love and attention that I gave my daughter at that age. So am I totally ruining their lives now? Am I picking favorites because my son stars in my snapchats more than my daughter? And all my daughter wants is for me to play with her but the floors are a mess and my son keeps licking them so that needs to get done too. And I’m pretty sure I’m doing nothing perfect. But I just love my kids so damn much.
And that is motherhood come full circle. We figure out that there is no game plan. No matter how sure you are that you’ll be awesome at it, nobody actually is all the time. You realize that the neat framework that you want everything to fit in is more like guidelines. You just make the best choices you possibly can in that moment, you do it with love, and you make sure your children know that. No amount of baby gadgets from your shower or click-bait buzzfeed articles can tell you how to do it. You can babysit your nieces and nephews, work at a daycare, soak up every bit of it you can in hopes that you’re somewhat prepared but you just won’t be. And that’s ok.
Love. Lovelovelove. You just need to get up everyday and change that diaper with love. Read that story for the millionth time with love (and character voices always!) Stop mid workout for snuggles.
Because that is the adventure of motherhood. Maybe I’m not climbing Kilimanjaro. I’m not traveling the world or going out every night. Let’s be honest, most Friday nights I’m home. But everyday I’m growing. I find new depths. While I may not be changing, I’m discovering. Discovering new and far-reaching capacities within myself that I never knew were there. My capacity to love grows. And it’s hard, occasionally magically, constantly messy, always challenging, and it’s making me stronger.
I hope wherever you find yourself today that you’re discovering things too. Challenge yourself! And it’s not always in the big, magnificent gestures that growth happens, but the everyday push. The persistent effort. Grow. Struggle. Discover. Be happy.